


the less i know the better

by septmars



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Epistolary, Gen, OOC, Sith Shenanigans, Social Media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 11:12:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6077217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/septmars/pseuds/septmars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rey accepts Kylo Ren’s friend request on Spacebook. It all goes downhill from there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the less i know the better

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this](http://tfa-kink.dreamwidth.org/2821.html?thread=4099333#cmt4099333) tfa_kink prompt.

**Rey** is now friends with **Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren**

Poe Dameron and 2 others like this.

            **Finn**

WTF!!!!!!

            **Captain Phasma of Starkiller Base**

Sir, please check your email. We have new guidelines about social media behavior.

            **Poe Dameron**

            Lol this will end well

—

**Finn**

Rey what the fuck

why are you friends with KYLO REN on sb

don’t worry finn I’m doing this for the resistance

I have a plan

which is

well im friending him to gain intel on first order

Idt they’re stupid enough to spill genuine intel in the internet

You’d be surprised.

—

 **Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren** checked in on **The Ileenium Star System**

About to kick some Resistance butts!!!!!! GO FIRST ORDER

Poe Dameron, Jessika Pava and 3 others like this

            **Captain Phasma of Starkiller Base**

PLEASE EVERYONE CHECK YOUR EMAIL

            **Captain Phasma of Starkiller Base**

Also, Sir, please meet me in my office.

            **Finn**

 **Rey** wow I can’t believe you’re right

—

 **To:** kylo.ren@firstorder.strk; hux@firstorder.strk; and 567 others.

**From:** admin@firstorder.strk 

**Subject** : !! IMPORTANT !! Updates to the Rule of Conduct

In light of recent events that raises serious concerns about the security of our intelligence network, we have updated the Rules of Conduct to better reflect these concerns. The full updated version is attached below. However, as a general rule, there will be serious changes in the social media guideline which includes:

  * NO CHECKING IN ON MISSIONS
  * Refrain from discussing work-related matters, especially ones that contain sensitive information, in a public forum. Confine them to private secured networks. We do have an intra-office communication system at chat.firstorder.strk.
  * DO NOT accept friend requests from people who might be in the Resistance. Check their profiles carefully before accepting.
  * It is strongly recommended to set all your social media profiles to private.
  * Be smart and sensible when using social media. Think before you post. Please
  * The updated RoC includes a general guideline on how to regulate your social media behavior, so it is highly recommended to read it in full.



The Rules of Conduct is updated regularly. Failure to adhere to the RoC will result in punishments ranging from a formal reprimand to court-martial that carries the penalty of death. Ignorance of the rules is not a valid defense, so please check the RoC regularly.

For further inquiries contact admin@firstorder.strk or phasma@firstorder.strk.

Thank you.

 

Admin.

 **Attachments:** roc_updated541.pdf

—

 **WV-2350 | better than u** @waveyyy2350

HAHAHA THIS IS SO TRUE damn those resistance fuckers are so dumb http://st.ar/2102

 **Rey** @straightouttajakku

@waveyy2350 this isn’t even true. First, no one forces anyone to join the resistance (unlike you). Second, starkiller.ile isn’t a neutral news source (cont)

 **Rey** @straightouttajakku

@waveyy2350 third, no articles of the Galactic Concordance is violated because the First Order is not a successor to the Galactic Empire and besides even (cont)

 **Rey** @straightouttajakku

@waveyy2350 if the first order is indeed a successor to the GE we’re still not violating the concordance because we don’t torture anybody (cont)

 **Rey** @straightouttajakku

@waveyy2350 and I’m pretty sure you broke the concordance first by torturing people.

 **WV-2350 | better than u** @waveyyy2350

@straightouttajakku 1) starkiller.ile is a legit news source even the coruscant times get their stuff from it 2) the concordance is a (1/4)

 **WV-2350 | better than u** @waveyyy2350

@straightouttajakku treaty that has become customary international law so whether or not the FO is a successor to the GE is irrelevant (2/4)

 **WV-2350 | better than u** @waveyyy2350

@straightouttajakku because being CIL everyone has to adhere to it. And I have a law degree so I know about this stuff (3/4)

 **WV-2350 | better than u** @waveyyy2350

 @straightouttajakku 3) lol if you think the resistance haven’t tortured anyone (3/4)

 **Rey** @straightouttajakku

@waveyyy2350 yeah I’m pretty sure the resistance haven’t tortured anyone but don’t take it from me <http://sca.venger/1044>

**Ace pilot** @damneron

@waveyyy2350 just wondering did you get your law degree from an imperial academy

 **WV-2350 | better than u** @waveyyy2350

@damneron I got my degree from the First Order Academy and besides it’s none of your business

 **Ace pilot** @damneron

@waveyyy2350 lol ok then

 **WV-2350 | better than u** @waveyyy2350

@straightouttajakku you say starkiller is a biased news source but then you linked a story from scavenger. What a joke.

 **WV-2350 | better than u** @waveyyy2350

@straightouttajakku also where’s the evidence that FO tortures anyone? And please don’t link from scavenger

 **Rey** @straightouttajakku

@waveyy2350 um I’m the evidence you dumbass. Your boss literally knocked me unconscious and handcuffed me to a chair.

—

 **Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren** shared a post from **OA-1657**

This is hilarious

> A Stormtrooper was taking college classes between his deployment to Naboo.
> 
>  
> 
> One of the courses had a professor that was a jedi and a member of the Resistance. One day the professor shocked everyone by walking into class, looking up and stating “Midichlorians if you really support the Siths I want you to come down and knock me off this platform, I will give you 15 minutes.”
> 
>  
> 
> Several minutes tick by in silence, when the 15 min. time almost expired the Stromtrooper gets up from his seat, approaches the professor and punched him in the face knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Stromtrooper simply went back to his seat.
> 
>  
> 
> The professor came to, visibly shaken and asked the Stromtrooper, “What the heck did you do that for?!”
> 
>  
> 
> The Stromtrooper said, “The Midichlorians are busy helping our Supreme Leader Snoke decimating all who stands in his way, so they sent me to fill in.”

General Hux, OA-1657, and 10 others like this

            **Rey**

            This is hilarious but not in the way you think it is.

            **Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren**

I don’t expect a scavenger scum like you to understand the joke

            **Rey**

You know what, you’re on. Before we start, I just want to say that the grammar in this post is atrocious, and I’m the one who grew up on a desert planet. Now moving on, it is hilarious for you to think… **See more**

**Load more 154 comments**

**Captain Phasma of Starkiller Base**

            Sir, I strongly suggest you check your e-mail.

—

 **To:** kylo.ren@firstorder.strk; hux@firstorder.strk; and 567 others.

**From:** admin@firstorder.strk 

**Subject** : !! IMPORTANT !! Updates to the Rules of Conduct (Again)

In light of recent events that seriously raises concern about the dignity and reputation of the leaders of this organization, the Rules of Conduct has been updated. Again. Please keep in my mind that as employees, your behavior also reflects on the organization. As a response, there has been several changes to the RoC, especially in regards to the social media guideline:

  * DO NOT ENGAGE IN PUBLIC FIGHTS WITH MEMBERS OF THE RESISTANCE.
  * It is beneath this organization and therefore beneath you. The First Order’s superiority will be proven in actual battlefields; fighting on the internet is not worth our time.
  * Refrain from posting badly spelled jokes and chain letters in your social media account. At least check for misspelling first before you post it.
  * It is strongly recommended to set all your social media profiles to private. Especially after what happened in the last couple of days.
  * DO NOT ACCEPT FRIENDSHIP REQUESTS FROM RESISTANCE MEMBERS. Check the profiles before accepting any friend requests. Please.
  * Do not accept friend requests from new accounts with no prior activity at all. It is most likely Resistance members trying to fool you.



The Rules of Conduct is updated regularly. Failure to adhere to the RoC will result in punishments ranging from a formal reprimand to court-martial that carries the penalty of death. Ignorance of the rules is not a valid defense, so please check the RoC regularly.

For further inquiries contact admin@firstorder.strk or phasma@firstorder.strk.

Thank you.

 

Admin.

 **Attachments:** roc_updated542.pdf

—

 **To:** phasma@firstorder.strk

**From:** notkylo@jmail.hut 

**Subject** : tyrant

To Whom It May Concern,

I think it’s very unfair and I’m pretty sure illegal for you to ban us from posting jokes to our PRIVATE social media account. I have the right to free speech and the First Order doesn’t have the authority to take that away from me. You are an evil tyrant that is trying to silence me. I will not stand for it.

Signed,

A Concerned Citizen.

**To:** kylo.ren@firstorder.strk 

**From** : phasma@firstorder.strk

 **Subject:** reply

Sir,

Please use your company mail for internal correspondence. A Jabba Mail account is unsecured and has very high risk for security breach.

Regarding your concern, may I remind you that our Supreme Leader Snoke has said that he believes free speech is “a bunch of Wookie shit and silly Jedi nonsense”, therefore the First Order does not grant the right of free speech to any of its citizens or employees. We have a right to regulate our employee’s behavior as we see fit, as stated in Article 1.1 of the Rules of Conduct and also Article 3 of your employment contract.

Regards,

Captain Phasma

**To:** phasma@firstorder.strk 

**From** : notkylo@jmail.hut

 **Subject:** not kylo

Captain Phasma,

As you can see from my handle I am NOT Kylo Ren so I don’t know what you’re talking about. The right of free speech is an inalienable right to anyone and no one can take that away from me. That Supreme Leader Snoke quote sounds fake, I memorized all of his speech and I’ve never once come across that quote before. I am sure if it comes to it our Supreme Leader would support me. He will hear about this.

Signed,

A Concerned Citizen

**To:** kylo.ren@firstorder.strk 

**From:** phasma@firstorder.strk

 **Subject:** reply

Sir,

I strongly suggest you stop using the Jabba Mail account.

That quotation is directly taken from Supreme Leader Snoke’s Speech No. 3414 titled “The Taking of Coruscant.” There is a transcript of it in the ship’s library.

If you want to complain about free speech to Supreme Leader Snoke, then by all means.

Regards,

Captain Phasma.

—

**Poe**

Jess I have an idea

What

How about we pull a prank on kylo

We make this fake account of a girl

And then chat him up

Oh that would be so hilarious lol

But I don’t think he’ll fall for it tho

Trust me he would

—

**Ebony Darkness Coruscant Midi’a Palpatine**

About Me:

If u’re a jedi fuk off

24/naboo/first order fan girl

Likes: sith lords, the dark side, kylo ren, first order, knights of ren, death stars

Dislikes: JEDI, fake ppl, haters, people who take too long to order in a restaurant

—

 **Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren** is now friends with **Ebony Darkness Coruscant Midi’a Palpatine**.

Poe Dameron and Jessika Pava like this.

 **Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren** is in a relationship with **Ebony Darkness Coruscant Midi’a Palpatine**.

Poe Dameron, Jessika Pava, and 3 others like this.

            **Rey**

This is so fake.

            **Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren**

            @rey you’re just jealous.

            **Rey**

Kylo this girl’s account is three days old and her only activity is friending you.

            **Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren**

            That’s because she was busy being a model, underwater diver, and animal shelter volunteer to make a Spacebook account.

            **Rey**

Did you ever holochat her?

            **Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren**

No

            **Rey**

You’ve never holochatted with her????

—

 **Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren’s** relationship status is now complicated

 **Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren** is no longer in a relationship with **Ebony Darkness Coruscant Midi’a Palpatine**.

**Kylo Ren | Master of the Knights of Ren**

The universe is full of FAKE and unkind people looking to bring you down. It has come to my attention that the woman that I thought was the love of my life is nothing but a cruel joke, inflicted on me by a couple of terrible, horrible people that clearly has never fallen in love before. I am devastated; I feel betrayed. In times like these I turn to my grandfather, the great Darth Vader, for guidance. He told me that I must release my anger and cut all contact from the toxic influences in my life. He’s right, of course. So with a heavy heart I decided to quit Spacebook forever. Yes, you heard right. I’m quitting Spacebook. And it’s all because of you. Do you think it’s funny to break someone’s heart? To let him think that he has found the One that will rule the galaxy by his side and then dash that hope cruelly? I hope that you are torn apart to pieces by a Taurill and then sandworms devour what’s left of you. I have other things that I want to say to you but I’m too tired to engage you right now. Goodbye, Spacebook. It’s been fun but sadly some people have to ruin it. I’ll miss you.

—

 **To:** kylo.ren@firstorder.strk; hux@firstorder.strk; and 567 others.

 **From:** admin@firstorder.strk

 **Subject:** !! IMPORTANT !! Updates

In light of recent events and for the good of all, Spacebook and Gwitter has been blocked from the First Order wi-fi. This is a direct order from Supreme Leader Snoke himself. You are not allowed to access these two websites from the organization’s internet. It is strongly recommended for employees to delete their Spacebook and/or Gwitter accounts. The Rules of Conduct has been amended to reflect this. Please check it.

For further inquiries contact admin@firstorder.strk or phasma@firstorder.strk.

Thank you.

 

Admin.

 **Attachments:** roc_updated543.pdf

**Author's Note:**

> The "joke" Kylo Ren posts is inspired by the [Marine Todd meme](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/marine-todd)
> 
> Poe and Jessika's fake profile name is inspired by the infamous HP fanfic "My Immortal"
> 
> Thanks to the anons in the kink meme thread for Rey's twitter handle!
> 
> HTML will kill me someday.


End file.
